Grief counseling for the losses nobody sends flowers for
Most of their closest friends moved away over the past couple of years. Your kid misses them, feels guilty for not keeping in touch, and then feels guilty for texting them instead of doing schoolwork. Or maybe it's you: emotional, frustrated, angry, sad because of all the changes, and struggling to unpack it since the move. Nobody died. So why does it hurt this much?
I'm Brianna White, LMFT, and I offer grief counseling at Intrepid Counseling for kids, teens, adults and families, especially those whose losses come with moving, goodbyes and growing up between places. Here's what I know about grief, and how I can help.
What is grief counseling?
Grief counseling is a space to feel, name and carry what you've lost, so it can become something you treasure instead of something you avoid. It's for death, and it's also for the quieter losses: friends, homes, pets, schools, languages, a version of your family, even a future you expected.
I think many of us TCKs silently carry in our hearts not only all the places we've called home, but even places we almost lived. If you look at a globe as a picture of where your friends live, you might be able to enjoy the special delight of meeting old friends in places you've never been before. And, there's nowhere we can go to be with everyone at once. It can feel hard to integrate who you were to different friends in different eras. You grieve the friends who moved away, really far away, and the person you were with them. Grief counseling makes room for that kind of loss too.
Common signs of grief
Irritability and anger: When kids act angry, angry, angry, they are often saying, "This was not supposed to happen!"
Clinging to things: The stick from the old yard, the torn poster from their wall in the last house. Within reason, and the size of your luggage, don't fight it. Letting them keep the stick—and other “garbage/treasure”—respects all the emotions that are too big to name right now. It can be a portal to process those feelings together later.
Avoidance: Not wanting to look at photos or talk about the old place.
Sadness at certain times of year: Graduation season, when so many friends used to move away.
Guilt: "I have nothing to complain about. I got to leave and be safe."
Numbness: Doing what needs to be done, feeling nothing, then grief arriving months later.
How do I know if grief counseling is for me?
Are you calling your losses "small"? Any loss is at risk of being called small if that helps us avoid the grief for a time. A loss is the size of how much it matters to you, not to someone who doesn't understand.
Have the losses stacked up? Griefs that dodge processing can stack up to a tower that feels risky to approach.
Is grief turning into something heavier? Grief comes and goes in waves. If it stays stuck, it may be depression too.
Is it showing up in your family? Parents often want better ways to help their kids process, communicate and grieve.
Who grief counseling is for
This is a strong fit for TCKs and expat families after a move, home assignment or repatriation; teens facing "lasts" before graduation or a big move; adults whose childhood losses were never grieved; and families after a death, an evacuation or a hard goodbye.
It may not be the best fit if grief is part of a crisis that needs a higher level of care. I'll help you find what you need.
How I approach grief counseling
Grieving hurts, it’s time-consuming, and even exhausting, so we avoid it. That can look like each family member alone feeling the weight of a last, or hearing "it’s okay, you’re going to really like what's next" without the space to feel sad. Instead, talking about these lasts, naming them, and crying about them as they come and then go to memory can transform them into memories you can treasure.
I'm careful about the word "but." It's so often used to take away from what comes before it: "but we get to live nearer our other friends now." Instead, we agree that it is so sad. Then you might say, "It comforts me to remember..." and ask if that comforts them too. We remember together what was lost, enjoying the memories alongside sadness. We have to be brave, because remembering makes us both happy and sad at the same time.
It's also important to remember the past in a balanced way. When we only talk about how wonderful the old place was, children can wonder why you ever left, and side with an unreachable past against their present. If we only talk about why it was hard or bad, it might justify why you left, but leave no room for their happy memories.
I use Restoration Therapy's word banks, because grief isn't just about being sad. It's feeling abandoned, discarded, thwarted, homesick, relieved, guilty. Finding the right big word for a big feeling is half the relief. With CETA (the Common Elements Treatment Approach), I can also sort grief from depression and trauma when they're tangled together, and address that complexity in an organized way.
What grief counseling looks like
We start with a 15-minute video call. We meet weekly, in person or online. With kids and teens I include parents, so the family can keep grieving well together after we finish.
Taking the first step
Reach out and tell me a little about what you've lost.
Request an intro call to see if we're a good fit.
Start your first session, at whatever pace feels right.
About your grief counselor
I grew up in Papua New Guinea and left just after high school graduation, returning home twice in the next twenty years. I know the personal experience of grief, belonging struggles, and reorganizing a sense of identity. That's a big part of why I love helping others through similar journeys.
Losses we can work on
Unstacking your grief: Naming each loss, big and "small."
Good goodbyes: Planning rituals before the next transition.
We can also work on grief and identity, teen grief before and after moves, grief that has turned heavy, grieving as a family, helping a young child grieve, and childhood losses that were never grieved.
Tips if you're grieving right now
List the lasts. Last play, last birthday at home, last spring break. Protect the important ones from busy packing days.
Return to something: Look at old pictures with new friends, text a song-link music memory to an old friend, listen to your old home's local language radio. Hunt your new city for a type of plant or cuisine you remember.
Celebrate and protect what has been consistent: A place, a song, an instrument, a recipe that has stayed the same through every move.
Collect your recipes. Learning to make old comfort foods in a new place is grief work too.
Ask your cultures for help. What parting rituals from any of your cultures could mark this time?
FAQ about grief counseling
What are the stages of grief? You may have heard of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Let's add anxiety. Real grief is messy and comes in waves, and it's still normal.
When should you seek grief counseling? When grief is getting in the way of daily life, when it's stuck or getting worse, or when you have no one to grieve with. You don't need to wait for it to get terrible.
Is grief from moving real grief? Yes. Losing friends, homes and places is real loss, even when the move was a good choice.
What is the difference between grief and depression? Grief usually comes and goes, with both intense sadness and moments of warmth when you remember. Depression tends to flatten everything. They can overlap, and therapy can help sort them out.
How can I help my child grieve? Let them see your feelings without needing them to take care of you. Welcome their story, skip the "but," and remember together.
You don't have to grieve alone
If you're ready to start grief counseling, request an intro call. Not sure yet? Request an intro call anyway. If I am not the right person, I'll do my best to get you to the right person.